It's not just the language - Tapping for the feeling of being left out

This might be a familiar situation: You meet up with a friend who you speak to in a language that you don’t master (yet). The conversation one-to-one works quite alright, then other people join, the pace picks up, and you really have to concentrate just to follow the conversation. You catch random words and try to piece them together to make sense of what’s being said. You nod along, maybe even smile or laugh when you think it might be the right moment to do so. After a while, your brain gets really tired, and what has been a language you genuinely enjoy turns into noise. You sit there, watching the group laugh and joke, unable to fully join in.

It hurts—to sit on the outside while others enjoy themselves, while you know deep down that you’re not truly part of the group. Maybe you hold on for a while. Maybe people try to be kind and say things like, “Just let us know if you don’t understand a word. You can ask anytime.” You nod and think to yourself: It would be easier to name the words I did understand. You wouldn't even know where to start. Maybe the person next to you tries to explain what’s going on, and that helps a little. But eventually, you give up. You lean back, turn quiet, and become the observer—watching others connect, joke, and laugh while you try not to show how uncomfortable you feel.

Even without the language barrier, this kind of situation might feel familiar. You’re spending time with a group—maybe people you’ve just met, maybe even people you know—but for whatever reason, connecting feels hard. Maybe you're more introverted and need more time to warm up. Maybe, over time, you realise you just don’t share their values, humour, or energy. You might find yourself thinking: These aren’t my people. That realisation can be painful, too—whether it's your decision to step back or a feeling that you're simply not being welcomed. Either way, it can trigger a deep sense of not belonging. As I discussed in last month’s post, we know why this stings so much: belonging has always been crucial to survival. Historically, being part of a group meant safety. It's hardwired into us.

When we look at what triggers this discomfort, we can distinguish between the personal level and the outer world. On the personal level, we might think: This group isn’t for me—a relatively neutral observation that requires some clarity about our own needs and values. But sometimes the thought is darker: I’m not enough to belong here. That’s when feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy come up. On the outer world level, we interpret the behaviour of others. Are they open or closed? Do they include or exclude? If we perceive that they’re not welcoming, we might conclude: I’m not wanted here. And that leads to feelings of rejection. It’s important to notice that this is all about perception—how we interpret reality. We may feel rejected, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we are being rejected. It’s our perceived reality, not an absolute truth.

Language learning adds another layer to this dynamic. On the personal level, we may feel frustrated because we can’t follow or contribute. We blame ourselves for not being “good enough” to keep up. On the outer level, it might feel like exclusion: the group chooses a language they know you struggle with, makes no effort to speak a common language, or doesn't check in to see if you can follow. Whether it's intentional or not, the impact is the same—you feel left out.

Languages aren’t just tools for communication; they’re doorways into culture, connection, and identity. That’s why learning a new language can feel so meaningful—and why exclusion based on language can feel so painful. When we make the effort to learn even a few words in a lesser-spoken language, we often see people light up. It shows we care—not just about the language, but about the people and culture behind it. That can lead to appreciation and connection. But the flip side also exists: if there’s an unspoken expectation that we should speak the language fluently and we don’t, we may be met with disappointment or even rejection.

This is where tapping can help—addressing both personal frustration and the outer-world experience of exclusion.

Start by revisiting a recent situation that triggered these feelings. Who was there? What was said? What belief did you form based on what happened? Maybe something like: They didn’t even look at me—so I must not matter. I don’t belong. While tapping, earlier memories may surface—often unrelated to language. Make a note in your notepad that allows you to come back to it later on and/or reflect on it while journaling. For example, you might recall a memory from your teenage years, when fitting in felt like everything—and yet no matter how hard you tried to be just like everybody else, you still felt like an outsider. Go back to that moment. Be specific: Who was there? What did they say? What was their tone, their facial expression? You can then use this information in your setup statement: Even though Susan didn’t even look at me when we were out dancing at the age of 17, and I felt so ignored and left out, I still have compassion for myself.

Check in with the intensity of what you're feeling. If it's too much, consider working with a practitioner who can help you safely navigate the deeper emotions. (If you feel ready to go deeper, please feel free to book a free chat.) Once the emotional charge from those past moments softens, that’s the time to introduce more supportive thoughts: “I welcome growth”, “I appreciate how far I’ve come”, “I am enough, right here, right now.”

In our last monthly group tapping session, we walked through this process together. People shared that it brought clarity and helped them understand where their feelings of not belonging stemmed from. Once the emotional charge around “They’re excluding me” was tapped down, people could see the complexity more clearly. The group choosing their shared language may not be about you personally. It could be about shared identity, ease, or habit. Of course, sometimes it is about not caring enough to include you—and that can be painful to acknowledge. After the tapping process, someone shared that while being in that kind of situation again didn’t feel as personal anymore, they also realised they didn’t want to put themselves through hours of feeling excluded again. That insight, too, is a gift.

As I’ve said before: tapping on a specific feeling can bring immediate relief and open up a deeper exploration. It can help you sit more comfortably with difficult emotions and even start to feel curious—Where is this really coming from?

You might find yourself not only willing but even excited to explore what lies beneath.

Join the mailing list to get access to the next monthly free group tapping session - I look forward to welcoming you to that safe space to dive deeper into your blocks around language learning.