The Weight of Judgement: Why We Fear It and How to Let Go

We come across judgement regularly in our daily lives — we judge others, and we fear that other people might judge us. Historically, it comes down to judging others based on what they looked like, to assess whether they could be trusted and considered “safe”, or whether we had better keep our guard up and stay cautious. To prove that there were no weapons in our hands, we began showing them to the other person — and over time, the custom of shaking hands developed. Judging others — and the fear of being judged — also originates from the pull of wanting to belong. And again, this was about safety: being part of a group meant being protected and less likely to be attacked, because belonging to a bigger group provided us with a sense of security.

Years later, we still stick to this old habit of judging ourselves and others. It’s interesting to take a closer look: Why do we judge other people? What’s underneath that quick kick of self-righteousness we feel? Gabby Bernstein has written a book about judgement, in which she suggests two more questions to help us get to the bottom of it: Why do we feel justified in our judgements? What past event might have triggered this judgement? I think this is a really good starting point to reflect on where our judgements come from — and where they might be leading us.

The Fear of Being Judged

Being on the other side — and fearing judgement — is connected to some big but familiar questions and pressures: • “What do other people think of me?” • “I need to be perfect!” • “What if I make a mistake?”

Most of us feel this fear in certain situations, and it can stop us from doing things we truly want to do in life. That fear gets in the way and holds us back. Of course, we know on a rational level that many people probably don’t spend much time thinking about us — they’re usually caught up in their own lives. But if we’re used to judging ourselves quite harshly, we often assume that other people do the same. In the end, it all comes down to how we relate to our critical voice — how we deal with our own judgement and the perceived judgement of others. The goal can’t be to stop other people from judging us, but to change our reaction to that judgement. Because if we are always trying to behave in a way that nobody is ever offended, and no one ever criticises what we do, it means that we are never truly visible — that we are never truly ourselves. We need to build that muscle and find a way to accept that there will always be critical voices — whether they show up in our own heads or come in the form of real-life comments, flippant remarks, constructive feedback, or whatever shape or form they may take.

At this point, it might be helpful to pause and take a closer look:

• What areas in my life are affected by this fear?

• Where does this fear stop me from moving forward?

• What are the specific fears I’m carrying?

For example: Do I avoid starting an online blog because I fear that people might judge me and see the content I’m sharing as not relatable or not valuable? Do I not start this new career because I’m afraid people will say, “Who do you think you are to take this step? Stick to your trade!”

The next step is to look at what events lie at the base of these beliefs. This is where EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) can really help — it allows us to explore and break the connection between a past event and the beliefs we created around it. By doing so, we can free ourselves from the emotional burden and create a new belief: “I am allowed to take risks and move forward in life, even if I fail and get criticised.”

Judgement in Language Learning

In language learning, the fear of judgement might show up slightly differently. Maybe you know this situation: You meet somebody new, and you notice a slight insecurity in them — one that you interpret as a resistance to communicate with you. They notice you’re not a native speaker and maybe you’re an introvert and find it harder to express yourself when you don’t click with someone right away. They start to over-articulate and use hand gestures to make sure you understand them — and this makes you feel uncomfortable. And boom: you open your mouth and your B2 level shrinks down to an A2 (if at all). Your mouth feels dry, and the words just won’t come. You feel like an idiot. You think to yourself: “Not again... Why can’t I act like a normal person?” And the negative self-talk kicks in. Maybe you’ve also experienced the opposite: When you feel highly comfortable and at ease with someone, the conversation flows. Even if you get the grammar wrong or need to search for the right words, you still feel okay. You experience yourself as someone who can express themselves — even while making mistakes.

The Vicious Cycle of Judgement

Interestingly enough, research shows that we perform worse when there are high levels of anxiety or fear of negative evaluation. We enter a vicious cycle: We fear judgement → We perform worse → That performance confirms the fear we had → We feel rejected or ashamed → The cycle deepens In the end, we judge ourselves — because our fear of being judged impacted our performance in the first place. To break this cycle, it’s again important to ask: What fear am I actually experiencing here?

Let’s take the situation I experienced a few weeks ago. My fear became very clear: • I’m afraid of sounding stupid • They’ll notice my strong accent • I am scared I’m not good enough • I still don’t speak the language well, and I’ve just shown that to the world — and to myself.

Just becoming aware of what’s going on in our heads is a big step. I can’t change the other person’s behaviour — but I can come to a place where I accept that sometimes, this just happens. And that it’s okay. Everyone has to start somewhere.

Tapping on the Fear

In our recent monthly group tapping session, we started with a recent triggering event. We focussed on the specifics: The look on the person’s face. Their over-pronunciation. The critical thoughts that came up. The sensations in our bodies. You can use the following tapping script as a starting point:

Tapping Round 1 – Present Moment Fear

Even though I’m so scared of what the other person will think of me, and I feel so awkward in this situation, I choose to have compassion for myself. (Repeat 3x) • They can see how nervous and uncomfortable I am • I shouldn’t feel that way • I feel ashamed • I don’t want to be in this situation • I can hear my accent and it sounds weird • What will they think of me? • I sound so awkward • The way they look at me • They are judging me • I don’t want to be here • I feel all this tension in my body • I feel ashamed for being so awkward • They think I sound stupid and it’s affecting me so much • They can hear all the mistakes I make • I’m scared they’ll laugh at me • I wonder who laughed at me in the past

Tapping Round 2 – Exploring the Past

So at the end of the first few rounds, we already start to explore and trace this triggering event back to an event maybe in our childhood, digging deeper to find the root cause of this trigger:

Even though I remember this event from the past when I was laughed at, I choose to love and accept myself anyway. (Repeat 3x)

• That time when they were laughing at me • That memory when I felt so uncomfortable • The way they were looking at me • I didn’t want to be there • I felt so ashamed • They were judging me • They were laughing at me • It didn’t feel safe • I can feel this tension in my body • All this fear

Here, we really focus on the fear, shame, or anxiety that was present in that past moment. We feel it while tapping in order to release it. So that the memory can become just that — a memory — rather than something that still defines who we are.

Tapping Round 3 – Opening to Acceptance

In the last round of tapping, we can open up to be more accepting and create a new relationship with our critical voice: Even though I still might experience this fear of being judged, maybe I can be more open to accepting myself where I am with this. (Repeat 3x) • Everybody starts somewhere • It’s safe to be seen even when I’m imperfect and make mistakes • I’m proud of myself for trying • Speaking a new language is brave, not shameful • I’m doing better than I give myself credit for • What if I could allow myself to relax and breathe, even if I still feel fear? • I’m learning and growing every time I speak • Maybe it matters more what I think about myself

Final Thoughts

These are just example statements. As always, the most effective ones are the ones that resonate with you and reflect what’s happening in your body and mind. Check your intensity level before you start tapping — and again afterwards — to see if there’s been a shift. It’s always helpful to keep a journal nearby. Maybe other events come up. Maybe new insights arise about how language learning — or other areas of your life — are being impacted by this fear. And please remember: This is just a starting point. Exploring your inner world isn’t always easy. There might be old or even traumatic memories buried beneath the surface. If that’s the case, it might feel safer to explore them with a trained practitioner. If you feel ready to go deeper, please feel free to book a free chat.

Join the mailing list to get access to the next monthly free group tapping session - I look forward to welcoming you to that safe space to dive deeper into your blocks around language learning.