I need to get it right – Perfectionism in life and language learning and how to overcome it

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism – we not only strive to do our best in a specific task, but we feel we have to get it right at all costs. Sounds familiar? Most people find themselves somewhere on the spectrum of perfectionism, even though it looks different for everyone. We all have areas in our lives where it's crucial to give it our all and earn the respect of ourselves and others, while we're more relaxed in other areas. Do we see ourselves as good cooks? Then it might not feel acceptable to try a new dish when inviting friends over for a dinner party because it has to turn out well—we want to be praised by the end of the night and pushed to give out the recipe. Trying something new would mean risking a result that’s only mediocre (yes, I’m talking about you, mum). So the areas in which we set very high—or even unrealistic—standards may be closely tied to our identity: the great chef, the creative DIY person, the athlete, the person who learns languages with ease. And while these examples may come from hobbies or personal goals, perfectionism, of course, plays a massive role in our work life too.

When striving becomes pressure

While it’s positive to strive to be a great cook or a successful athlete, and to excel in our professional roles, we need to distinguish between goals that inspire and motivate us—and those standards we feel we must meet, or else feel worthless and useless. Ali Abdaal, a promoter of “feel-good productivity,” differentiates between a “healthy striver” and a “perfectionist.” Psychiatrist Raphael M. Bonelli defines perfectionism as the belief that even small mistakes can lead to severe consequences—boiling down to a fear of being rejected or judged. We all know the feeling: a task is really important to us and there's that little voice nagging, “What will they think of me?” or “How will they judge me if I don’t get it right?” That fear pushes us to put ourselves under pressure, turning the original goal—which once served to inspire us—into a rigid “must” that we have to achieve.

The vicious cycle of perfectionism

This mindset leads to a vicious cycle: we set high standards that are hard to achieve, and when we fail, we feel worthless—so we set even higher standards to finally prove our worth. The pressure this creates can lead to burnout and the constant feeling of never doing or achieving enough. Many of us struggle with imposter syndrome—constantly doubting our skills and accomplishments. We feel like frauds and fear that someone will finally find out we don’t deserve to be where we are. So we always have to prove ourselves and get everything right to justify our place. Another common consequence of perfectionism is procrastination. We want to avoid failure, and because our expectations are so high, we end up putting off new projects—the book we’ve always wanted to write, the side hustle we never started, etc. The fear of not reaching our goals becomes too much, and avoiding the task altogether feels safer than risking failure.

The all-or-nothing trap

And even if we do manage to start something, we often get stuck in an “all-or-nothing” mentality. If we don’t follow the plan exactly, we might as well give up altogether—because we’ve already failed, right? If our effort isn’t perfect and doesn’t meet our standards, we might call it a day or even engage in behaviour that moves us backwards. One common example: dieting. If you can’t stick to your strict meal plan and end up having some chocolate, you might go, “Well, today’s ruined anyway,” and dive into cookies and crisps for the rest of the day. That all-or-nothing mindset creates even more pressure. The tiniest deviation from the plan makes the inner critic louder and louder, and breaking that cycle becomes harder.

Where do these beliefs come from?

But where does this all come from? Who decides what standards we set for ourselves? It’s not surprising we’re wired to always be more productive, get more done, and achieve more—we live in a highly competitive society. We’re constantly flooded with curated pictures and videos of perfect lives. Naturally, we start comparing ourselves. What we see online shapes what we expect from ourselves. And over time, those “inspirations” become “requirements” for what it means to be a worthy, functional human being. Social media isn’t the only factor, though. We also need to take a closer look at our upbringing and the beliefs we absorbed from our parents, school, etc.—about what success should look like and how we’re supposed to behave or appear. Maybe we grew up in an environment where mistakes weren’t acceptable or safe. Maybe we learned to stay quiet, hide our feelings and needs, just to avoid punishment. Our nervous system is wired for safety, so these beliefs become deeply embedded—and as adults, we may still feel there will be serious consequences if we slip up. Even in school, we’re trained to focus on what’s lacking, what’s still not perfect, rather than what we’ve already achieved.

It’s not your fault—But it can change

So no wonder we stress about being perfect and getting everything right—it would actually be surprising if we weren’t influenced by all these factors. However, there are ways to develop a more balanced approach to productivity and strategies that help us understand and soften our perfectionist tendencies. We can learn to be more accepting of ourselves—without needing constant outside validation.

The first step: Awareness

The first step is to become aware of our high standards and negative self-talk. Ask yourself: What are my standards? What are the consequences when I tell myself I have to meet them? Journaling or tapping might help uncover where these beliefs come from and how they might be connected to your identity. Try asking yourself: “Who am I if I’m no longer the perfect chef/the person who works the longest hours?” These reflections can be uncomfortable, but they reveal how closely tied our self-worth often is to these expectations. Once we remove one identity, we’re left wondering: who am I without it?

Challenge your thoughts

The next step is to challenge your thoughts. Perfectionism is often linked to how much time we spend on a task—but research shows that after a certain point, more time and effort doesn’t actually yield better results. (Ali explains this in more detail in one of his videos.) The 80/20 rule in time management suggests we achieve 80% of results with 20% of the effort—meaning the remaining 80% of effort brings only 20% of improvement. This could lead to a different approach: identify the 80% that matters most, set a time limit, and focus there—instead of trying to nail the last 20% through endless tweaking. Does the idea of not giving 150% make you anxious? That’s okay. Try tapping and ask yourself: What’s the worst that could happen? Could I live with it? Will it still matter tomorrow, next week, or next month? These questions help put things into perspective, and you might convince yourself (rationally) that “good enough” really is enough.

Try lowering the bar

Another helpful strategy: lower the bar and ask yourself what “good enough” would look like. If you usually spend X hours on a task, try setting a shorter time and see what you can get done. Ali also recommends changing your self-talk. Replace the “shoulds” with “I want to” or “I could.” So instead of saying “I must finish this project tonight,” try “I want to finish this project tonight” or “I could finish this project tonight.” Suddenly, you regain agency. You’re no longer being forced by outside expectations—you’re in control. Ali also encourages us to step outside our comfort zones and practice being imperfect. Pick up a hobby you’re not good at and enjoy it just because. No goals, no expectations. Maybe you try knitting, painting, or writing—not to eventually publish a book, but simply for the joy of doing something creative. Another suggestion: surrender the need to be perfect. Let life happen. Learn to loosen up and stop being so hard on yourself.

Your inner critic won’t disappear overnight

Sounds great in theory, right? But if your inner voice says, “That works for other people, but not for me—I have to be perfect, it’s just who I am,” know that you’re not alone. As I’ve mentioned in other posts, logic alone might not help—because your body is still screaming for safety. That’s where tapping (EFT) really comes in. Your body has its reasons for its fear and anxiety response. There’s often a deeper cause—like a childhood experience that made you believe mistakes weren’t safe. EFT helps disconnect that fear response from the original memory. It might not be just one event—maybe there were many, or maybe the beliefs came from your parents or your endless comparisons on Instagram. Either way, tapping can help you explore those roots and rebuild trust in yourself. It can help your body relax, even if things aren’t perfect, and create a new belief: you don’t need to achieve anything to be worthy.

Perfectionism in language learning

Before we wrap up, let’s apply this to language learning. Perfectionism here often shows up as the fear of making mistakes. We compare ourselves to others and think, “I’ll never sound like that,” or “I’ll never get it right.” But language learning is just another area where everything I’ve said applies. We may hold ourselves back because we’re afraid of being judged—so we (often subconsciously) decide it’s only safe to speak if we’re 100% sure we’re 100% correct. But mistakes are essential to learning. You can study all the grammar rules and vocabulary lists—but the point of language is communication, and that only happens when we open our mouths and speak. A tip that might help: find a “safe” space to practice. Personally, I’ve found language exchanges really helpful. Find someone who wants to learn your native language, and they’ll help you with theirs—it’s a win-win. You can read more about tandem partnerships and what to consider here.

Make it fun and meaningful

As we discussed in last month’s group session, many of us carry the limiting belief that “language learning is hard.” But the process can be fun and inspiring. Sure, speaking can feel frustrating—but again, be aware of your self-talk and challenge those limiting beliefs. Is language learning really hard and frustrating? Or just parts of it? Can you make it more enjoyable?

As we explored last month in this blogpost, it’s good to set goals—maybe SMART goals work for you, but maybe you are willing to explore with open goals. Ali points to research showing that vague goals like “Let’s see how much I can get done” are often more effective than rigid ones like “I must do X by X.” It’s about finding what works best for you.

Also, be clear about your actual goal: Do you want to be fluent—or do you want to sound exactly like Person X in three months? Can you adjust that goal or slow your pace a little?

Tapping can really support this process: it helps you explore your limiting beliefs, face your fear of making mistakes, and learn to accept those mistakes as part of the journey. Once you do, you can even go a step further and learn from them. Maybe keep a list of recurring mistakes in your writing. Ask your teacher or tandem partner to take note of your common slip-ups and go over them with you. Make it playful—maybe your language partner can hold up a funny sign to remind you when to self-correct. Lighten things up.

Final thoughts

As always—stay open, stay curious. Tapping can help you identify your blocks and find more clarity. Please join me in this tap-along video to move forward with more ease and create space to explore where your perfectionism stems from.

Resources: Ali Abdaal: Perfectionism is ruining your life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elAFB0HSBgo

Raphael M. Bonelli: Perfektionismus: Wenn das Soll zum Muss wird (Pattloch Verlag, 2014)