Why Feeling Lonely Is What Makes Us Human

Oct 1

7 min read

Updated: Oct 2

Loneliness is one of those topics that feels so big that you spend months reading about it before you dare to write anything down. That's exactly what I did. I read, researched and reflected, and the more I did, the more I realised that this topic affects many people. In fact, it affects all of us.

The sheer number of books out there shows me how many of us struggle with it, and how many are looking for a new perspective or some comfort in knowing that they're not the only ones feeling lonely. And there is comfort in this research. Loneliness is fundamental to the human experience. It helps to dive deep, to allow ourselves to drop in rather than push it away, and to learn along the way that feeling lonely is deeply human and, ironically, something that connects all of us.

There are ways to feel less lonely, steps we can take and perspectives we can shift. It isn't always easy in a society that prioritises convenience and individuality, and pushes technology that keeps us glued to our phones and makes real interactions harder to come by. But let's start at the beginning.

So, what is loneliness?

Most books define loneliness as having fewer connections than we would like. I agree, with one addition: it's not about the number of people in our lives but about the quality of our connections, and that is different for each of us. We all know we can feel lonely in the middle of a crowd, or even with a partner, because what matters is the type of connection and what we perceive to be missing.

In "The Art of Loving", Erich Fromm says that feeling separate is what drives us to seek love and connection. All our lives, we look for love to run from the pain of feeling separate. Teal Swan, a spiritual leader, sees separation at the root of every trauma and thinks that every crime happens because people "feel both separate and disconnected from the person they committed that crime against".

Seen through that lens, separation and loneliness are at the centre of the human experience. In EFT Tapping, feeling disconnected is one of the defining aspects of trauma: something that creates a divide between our experience and other people's, something that makes us different and that we find hard to share.

The shame around loneliness

Reading about loneliness and trauma made me realise that trauma always comes with a type of shame, and so does loneliness. There is an abundance of books but not that many conversations, because it's hard to admit that you feel lonely. It still seems to be a taboo, tied to the stigma of having failed: if you haven't managed to create the connections you want and need, you must have failed.

That is even more the case when it comes to dating and romantic partners. Women in particular are socialised with the myth that we need a partner (and ideally kids) to be complete and live a fulfilled life. If you don't fit the run-of-the-mill happy wife and mother model, it's even harder to embrace life as a single.

Alone is not the same as lonely

Many books on loneliness give the same advice: reframe it, and differentiate between feeling lonely and being alone. Time alone is often seen as inherently positive, especially for introverts who need it to process their feelings and recharge. I have also read that it's good for our wellbeing, personal growth, creativity and productivity. I wholeheartedly agree, and I love the idea of a more positive concept of "being alone". But we also need to acknowledge that it's not always a choice or a matter of positive thinking. Sometimes it feels like whatever we try, the connection we would like just doesn't come. Or the people we feel connected to keep leaving, and our life becomes a constant ebb and flow of connections. That can be painful and frustrating, and it can bring loss, grief, despair and a feeling of failure.

That's why I wouldn't recommend brushing those feelings aside and pretending you're simply spending time "alone". Instead, allow them to be there. Tap, breathe and maybe explore when you "learnt" to feel lonely. Often that happens in childhood, when we don't feel seen or heard by our caregivers or other family members. If you feel into your body and let the sensation take you back, there might not be a specific memory. Maybe an image comes up that stands for the story you have been weaving together based on your childhood experiences. That's where we want to go, and it can be truly painful and profound. It may have shaped you deeply, and going there can feel scary and unsafe. In that case, please reach out to a practitioner who can guide you and hold the space for you.

Once we have faced those dark moments that shaped our beliefs about being alone in the world, it becomes easier to look at our current situation feeling more resourceful and capable of finding a way into more connection. We can also remind ourselves of a time when we truly felt connected, to a friend, a pet or just nature. Really engaging with that feeling creates a sense of safety in our bodies and allows us to tap into the oneness: the connection to one another, the universe, God or whatever name you want to give it. That's exactly what we are doing in this tapping meditation.

Why it's harder today

Let's be honest: our society doesn't make it easy to find community and a sense of belonging. We may all benefit from time on our own, finding comfort and growth in our own company, but we are social beings. We need to feel part of a community.

Whatever book you read, technology and social media always come up. If you have followed my work, you know that I'm always looking for ways to build a healthier relationship with our devices, so that we use technology in a way that serves us instead of holding us hostage. But it's easier said than done. Many of us need it to promote our work, for entertainment or to stay up to date, and we can't simply ban it from our lives. What we do need is strict boundaries.

We are also nudged towards the self-checkout instead of standing in line and talking to a real person. Those tiny everyday interactions are disappearing, and their absence leaves us feeling more lonely and isolated than ever.

In "Die Neue Einsamkeit" (The New Loneliness), I also learnt that the design of a city can affect our wellbeing. If a space promotes separation and isolation rather than connection and encounter, we feel it. The author Diana Kinnert explains that the "Glasgow effect", a lower life expectancy especially for men in Glasgow, is also related, among other factors, to the structure of the city: very functional skyscrapers, but not many green spaces where people can come together and hang out.

What can help

The bottom line: many factors contribute to loneliness, including the city we live in, the people we surround ourselves with and the role we allow technology to play in our lives. Some we can influence, others are out of our hands.

Create small encounters. Several books stress how important these little moments are. Spoiler: it's not easy to become the person who starts a conversation at the bus stop or in the supermarket queue, but it is possible. This year, I'm setting myself a little challenge: at least one such encounter every week. Pay somebody a compliment, even if it feels awkward, because, as Ali Abdaal says, most people are friendly and open to connection, but you have to go first. Hopefully it will become a habit and get easier to put myself out there. (If you feel a massive block to speaking to people, as I have in the past, there might be some trauma keeping you from feeling safe around strangers. Through my personal work, I have noticed tremendous shifts: it's so much easier to strike up a conversation now than it was ten years ago.)

Create community. In "The Joy of Connections", Dr Ruth Westheimer makes it sound remarkably fun and easy to build community. When she was looking after her small children and wasn't free to go out, she simply invited people into her home. And then, of course, there are book clubs and other groups you can find. I hear you say that you're an introvert (just like me) and don't feel comfortable around many people. It doesn't need to be a big group. Start with a few people and see how it feels. Platforms like Meetup are great for starting a group around your interests. Yes, you may have to leave your comfort zone, but you get to focus on something you love, and research shows that community benefits our health and overall wellbeing. So let's get out there and join some groups, or create them ourselves.

Read about other people's experiences. This helped me too. I found Sam Carr's book "All the Lonely People" really insightful. It's a reflection on his own experience of loneliness, but also on the many different types of loneliness in the world, such as older people who lose their partners and are faced with a void in their lives.

Sharing the stage

Because at the end of the day, we go through life alone. No, you might say, I have my family and my partner. And yes, most of us do, but it's temporary. A friend of mine once told me that life is like a theatre stage: we always share it with different people. Some stay longer, others leave after a short while. It's easy to want to hold on to them and prevent them from leaving, but it's all about appreciating the time we had with them, however long or short. Because in the end, it's our stage, and we better make sure that we have a great relationship with ourselves.

Ready to release some heavy feelings? Tap with me here: https://youtu.be/eYwR04UDXyU